yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I forget how to act sober
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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