Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize