so that wasnt chicken after all
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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