Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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