he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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