My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
