Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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