Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I didn't shave. On purpose
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
