just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
