Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
