it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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