Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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