You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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