I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
