one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
