Grow some girl-balls and come out already
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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