You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
