Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
