I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
