youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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