He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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