His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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