yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
