You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
