Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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