i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We left the knife in your bed.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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