A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
