I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
