I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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