My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
