I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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