dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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