Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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