Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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