Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
