im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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