If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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