Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
