when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
