I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
