Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
