Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
