the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
