just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
