he thought i was a dude.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
