I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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