mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
