She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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