and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
