My Higher Power is John Stamos
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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