He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
